EXPLAINER: How the Johnson and Johnson Vaccine Works

 

The AstraZeneca Vaccine: Does it Cause an Explosive Heart Diarrhea DVT Variant?

Vaccines make the inside of your skull glow, as has been proven. But does the AstraZeneca vaccine also cause DVT, the disease that leads to Deep Vein Thrombosis? The only way to be safe from these vaccines is to REMOVE PLANET MERCURY FROM THE SOLAR SYSTEM.

Preventing DVT

Once you're diagnosed with DVT, your reputation will be forever tarnished. Children will cry when they see you. Your dog will bark at you. No matter how much bacon you offer it and how many times you ask it, "What's wrong Fido? Don't you recognize me?" it will continue to growl and nervously back away from you. Your life as you know it is over. You might as well jump.

That's why it's important to prevent DVT before it occurs and drastic David Lee Rothian steps must to be taken.

The key question is this: is DVT a preventable disease (like being left-handed) or is it something that you inherit? The answer is metaphyiscally complex. DVT is usually caused by a genetic predisposition. Your genetic predisposition was caused by God's mysterious plan. Though in your case, the plan isn't terribly mysterious. God doesn't much care for you, and I think you know why. I suggest you find a hobby. A different hobby.

If you haven't angered God by violating His will on the self-gratification issue, then your DVT could just be a freak accident or a case of bad luck. Let me give you an example: Remember when you were 5 and caused your parents to divorce because you didn't put away your toys and sometimes misbehaved? You really screwed up there. You ruined a perfect marriage when you didn't finish your vegetables. DVT is totally different. DVT is not your fault.

Pill seekers are funny

Pharmacies are among the most god-awful places on earth. Pharmacists make $100k+ to count pills, put them in bottles, and make sure the computer doesn't show any dangerous interactions. They're occasionally interrupted by crazy people demanding pills. At nearly every CVS, you'll see the following things:

1. The tragic CVS Catch-22: Mildly demented senior citizens run out of their anti-dementia medication and forget to fill it. This causes the onset of moderate to severe dementia. The increase in dementia makes it difficult for them to refrain from from accusing minorities of stealing their belongings. It also makes it difficult for them to figure out how to refill the pills they need to bring them down from "batshit crazy" to the much more manageable "sedated". Ultimately, they end up at CVS babbling away at confused pharmacists.

2. Middle-aged women flipping out at the pharmacist after waiting too long. This is always highly amusing.

3. Pill seekers trying to score some narcotic painkillers.

I witnessed #3 earlier this week. While at CVS picking up some Lovenox (a horrific drug that must be injected directly into your stomach using a 6 inch serrated needle), a 20-something glassy-eyed lunatic approached the prescription drop-off counter. He featured all of the wonderful characteristics of a junky: unwashed bleached blond hair with roots, constant stuttering, and clothes encrusted with a terrifying substance. In his hand he held a filthy piece of paper that resembled both a doctor's script and a child's first feeble attempts at writing.

Here's the paraphrased conversation between the pill-freak and the pharmacist:

Pill Freak (PF): "I have this prescription here for percocet. My doctor told me he wanted me on something stronger. See...I was on vicodin, but now I'm on percocet. It's written for 90 but if you can give me as many as possible, that would be great. Whatever you'll give me, I'll take it."
CVS Guy (CG): [Peering at the script] "We cannot fill this. What is your doctor's name? I cannot read this."
PF: "Ummm well I've been taking vicodin for forever and I just need to switch. [Rambles on for a while with a poorly conceived story about his doctor and his pain]. Why can't you fill this?"
CG: "This is a schedule 2 controlled substance. Tell your doctor to call me, and I'll be happy to fill this."
PF: "What's your name? I WANT YOUR NAME! This is ridiculous. Is there another CVS near here where I can fill this? I'll just walk there."
CG: "No. I'm going to keep this script. If you want it back, have your doctor call me."
PF: "What's your name? Give me your name."
CG: "Listen. There is no such thing as customer service at a pharmacy. I'm just here to give you drugs. Have your doctor call me."

Here's where I jumped in. I was feeling frisky, having taken some percocet to ease my leg pain:

Me (wearing an evil grin): "Hey man - percocet has been recalled! It doesn't exist anymore. You can't get there here. You'll have to wait 3 months until they fix it! It's gone."
PF: "What? You mean there is no more percocet in the world?"
Me: That's right. You're out of luck. You won't find any at another pharmacy either."
PF: "But I. Wait. I..." [etc.]

Is there a moral of this story, other than the fact that I'm a jackass? Yes:

1. If you're a junkie, just hand the doctor your script and say "I don't know" a bunch of times and look disinterested/slightly annoyed while he questions you. Be calm!
2. Try to look the pharmacist in the eye while demonstrating a proper blinking technique (normal human beings blink every so often). Attempt to suspend your catatonic state for a few moments by purposely blinking.
3. Learn the law! No pharmacist is going to hand you 90 pills (a 3 month supply) of a controlled substance. In case your brain cells are too fried to do the math: 30 pills = one month. It's no wonder February every junky's favorite month!
4. Wash yourself before entering a CVS with something called "soap". Also, try to avoid clothing with crusty crotch stains or other tell-tale signs that you tend towards deviant behavior.
5. If you're not a junkie, but you run into one at the pharmacy while you're waiting for your prescription, entertain yourself by messing with the junkie. Keep a safe distance in case he vomits on you.

DVT Myth #4

Myth #4: Prescription leg stockings can help cure DVT If you've been diagnosed with DVT, the first thing your doctor will try to do is peddle expensive "prescription" leg stockings that supposedly increase blood flow in the veins and arteries of your rapidly rotting leg. These glorified socks can cost up to $100. The truth is that there you don't need to spend 100 bucks on special stockings. Any long socks will do. Victoria Secret offers a variety of styles. Many doctors also argue that stocking therapy is more effective when pursued in concert with other proven remedies like sexy nurse outfits (see below):

IMPORTANT UPDATE: I'm dying...

...to see the new Star Trek movie!

On another note:

As the Internet's only DVT blogger with 99% accurate information about this disease, I receive tons of emails. Whether it's feedback about my site, questions about DVT, or death threats, its always inspiring to hear from the lowest common denominator. As I wait for my arteries to unclog, feedback from the simple folk who clog America's arteries gets me through my day. Keep those emails coming!

The #1 question I'm asked is "how are you doing?" For now on, I'm going to send you a link to my latest post on my condition.

Today's condition - 5-20-2009:

1. Better!
2. There has been a marked decrease in the daily acceleration of my pain increases. In other words, the 3rd derivative of my pain has decreased.
3. Goodbye cankle! I hardly knew ye.

DVT Myth #3

Myth #3: Narcotic pain killers are dangerous and addictive

DVT causes pain. Your doctor may prescribe strong "narcotic" painkillers to relieve this pain. When it comes to narcotic painkillers, a good rule of thumb is to throw caution to the wind. After all, pills solve all of life's problems - even pill addiction!

Narcotic pain pills are special pills. Because they're a "functional" drug, no one can ever tell that you're high as as kite as you go about your daily business! Whether you're driving to work, crashing your car, fleeing the scene of an accident, or curled up in the fetal position in your office bathroom wondering what you've just done - narcotic pain killers are always there for you when you need them to help you cope with your daily routine. 

Keep in mind that these medicines are not addictive or habit forming. The so-called "medical journals" and "four-part documentaries on the pharmaceutical industry" will try to convince you that prescription painkillers cause withdrawal symptoms. I can tell you from personal experience that I've taken these drugs every four hours for the last two months and I've never experienced a single withdrawal symptom.

Because of the myths surrounding what quack physicians call, "Addiction," doctors are always on the lookout for pill seekers and are wary of prescribing drugs to people who don't need them. You should only ask your doctor for narcotic pain killers if you are afflicted with a serious condition like DVT or if you're bored and have a free afternoon. 

At the end of the day, don't worry about taking painkillers or demanding them from your doctor or taking them from your grandmother's medicine cabinet. After all - DVT sucks. You deserve to be high! See previous myths here.

Deep Vein Thrombosis Blog

Today, I'm launching the Deep Vein Thrombosis Blog where I'll chronicle my epic struggle with Deep Vein Thrombosis, or DVT.

DVT is a condition where your leg feels like it has been kicked really hard. Beyond that, I can't tell you anything, because these painkillers are strong, and I'm not even sure where I am right now. All I know is that there's this great button that brings more drugs.

DVT symptoms:

• Swelling (often presents as cankles)
• Kidney-stone-level pain
• Grumpiness/whining
• Itchiness followed by scratchiness
• Red lines on your leg
• Leg rot
• Extreme leg rot
• Heart failure, which occurs when you (STUPIDLY) fail to call 9-11 when you develop a symptom called a pulmonary embolism. This is a minor condition when the clot breaks free and travels to your lungs. 

The death rate for DVT is 100%. Upon dying, most DVT sufferers go straight to hell.

What causes DVT?

1. DVT is often caused by Sickos.

2. Vaccines. The same vaccines that cause autism also cause DVT. Make sure you consult your spiritual healer before giving your child any vaccine, ever.

3. However, most of the time DVT is caused by extreme laziness. If you're sitting around all day on your fat ass and not exercising, you will probably get DVT and die. The End.

4. DVT is also caused by inferior genes. In other words: it's your parents' fault. Use this fact to extract money from them to pay for your hospital bill!

Treatment:

DVT is treated by painkillers, which are acquired from a trusting and/or stupid doctor . Do not abuse narcotic painkillers. This will cause addiction, self-loathing, and worst of all, constipation.

It is also treated with blood thinners like Lovenox and Coumadin. Lovenox is injected directly into your stomach using a 6 inch serrated needle. It doesn't really do anything, but poking yourself twice a day builds tolerance for your growing leg pain, which you will live with for the rest of your life, like Dr. House. Coumadin is taken in pill form. This miracle drug was originally used as rat poison (seriously). Coumadin thins your blood in order to help the clot break down. It causes you to bleed inexplicably from various orifices in a way that was not covered in "What's Happening to My Body?".
What are some common myths about DVT?
Myth #1: Blood thinners are serious drugs

This is untrue. Blood thinners are fun! Nose bleeds during important client meetings are a great icebreaker.

Myth #2: DVT is caused by planes.

This is also untrue. DVT is not caused by planes. It is caused by sitting completely still on planes for hours and hours. If you are at risk for DVT, chasing a Xanax with 4 vodka tonics might not be the best plan. See that seatbelt sign? Ignore it. Move around on the plane as much as possible. If you need to stretch your legs and have sex with the stewardess, by all means, do so. I also find that doing a loud prayer in a made up language in the isle during takeoff really gets my blood flowing.

I'll cover more DVT myths in the future.

Why are you blogging about DVT?

I have DVT, and it hurts. I need an outlet to whine. My symptoms include several red lines on my leg, pain, and constant neediness. I also have a cankle.

If I should die of a pulmonary embolism, this blog will also serve as my living will. I want everything given to my brother, and I want my cremated ashes to tossed from a cliff into the bosom of the Atlantic Ocean on a day with a strong easterly breeze.