Pill seekers are funny

Pharmacies are among the most god-awful places on earth. Pharmacists make $100k+ to count pills, put them in bottles, and make sure the computer doesn't show any dangerous interactions. They're occasionally interrupted by crazy people demanding pills. At nearly every CVS, you'll see the following things:

1. The tragic CVS Catch-22: Mildly demented senior citizens run out of their anti-dementia medication and forget to fill it. This causes the onset of moderate to severe dementia. The increase in dementia makes it difficult for them to refrain from from accusing minorities of stealing their belongings. It also makes it difficult for them to figure out how to refill the pills they need to bring them down from "batshit crazy" to the much more manageable "sedated". Ultimately, they end up at CVS babbling away at confused pharmacists.

2. Middle-aged women flipping out at the pharmacist after waiting too long. This is always highly amusing.

3. Pill seekers trying to score some narcotic painkillers.

I witnessed #3 earlier this week. While at CVS picking up some Lovenox (a horrific drug that must be injected directly into your stomach using a 6 inch serrated needle), a 20-something glassy-eyed lunatic approached the prescription drop-off counter. He featured all of the wonderful characteristics of a junky: unwashed bleached blond hair with roots, constant stuttering, and clothes encrusted with a terrifying substance. In his hand he held a filthy piece of paper that resembled both a doctor's script and a child's first feeble attempts at writing.

Here's the paraphrased conversation between the pill-freak and the pharmacist:

Pill Freak (PF): "I have this prescription here for percocet. My doctor told me he wanted me on something stronger. See...I was on vicodin, but now I'm on percocet. It's written for 90 but if you can give me as many as possible, that would be great. Whatever you'll give me, I'll take it."
CVS Guy (CG): [Peering at the script] "We cannot fill this. What is your doctor's name? I cannot read this."
PF: "Ummm well I've been taking vicodin for forever and I just need to switch. [Rambles on for a while with a poorly conceived story about his doctor and his pain]. Why can't you fill this?"
CG: "This is a schedule 2 controlled substance. Tell your doctor to call me, and I'll be happy to fill this."
PF: "What's your name? I WANT YOUR NAME! This is ridiculous. Is there another CVS near here where I can fill this? I'll just walk there."
CG: "No. I'm going to keep this script. If you want it back, have your doctor call me."
PF: "What's your name? Give me your name."
CG: "Listen. There is no such thing as customer service at a pharmacy. I'm just here to give you drugs. Have your doctor call me."

Here's where I jumped in. I was feeling frisky, having taken some percocet to ease my leg pain:

Me (wearing an evil grin): "Hey man - percocet has been recalled! It doesn't exist anymore. You can't get there here. You'll have to wait 3 months until they fix it! It's gone."
PF: "What? You mean there is no more percocet in the world?"
Me: That's right. You're out of luck. You won't find any at another pharmacy either."
PF: "But I. Wait. I..." [etc.]

Is there a moral of this story, other than the fact that I'm a jackass? Yes:

1. If you're a junkie, just hand the doctor your script and say "I don't know" a bunch of times and look disinterested/slightly annoyed while he questions you. Be calm!
2. Try to look the pharmacist in the eye while demonstrating a proper blinking technique (normal human beings blink every so often). Attempt to suspend your catatonic state for a few moments by purposely blinking.
3. Learn the law! No pharmacist is going to hand you 90 pills (a 3 month supply) of a controlled substance. In case your brain cells are too fried to do the math: 30 pills = one month. It's no wonder February every junky's favorite month!
4. Wash yourself before entering a CVS with something called "soap". Also, try to avoid clothing with crusty crotch stains or other tell-tale signs that you tend towards deviant behavior.
5. If you're not a junkie, but you run into one at the pharmacy while you're waiting for your prescription, entertain yourself by messing with the junkie. Keep a safe distance in case he vomits on you.