Deep Vein Thrombosis Blog

Today, I'm launching the Deep Vein Thrombosis Blog where I'll chronicle my epic struggle with Deep Vein Thrombosis, or DVT.

DVT is a condition where your leg feels like it has been kicked really hard. Beyond that, I can't tell you anything, because these painkillers are strong, and I'm not even sure where I am right now. All I know is that there's this great button that brings more drugs.

DVT symptoms:

• Swelling (often presents as cankles)
• Kidney-stone-level pain
• Grumpiness/whining
• Itchiness followed by scratchiness
• Red lines on your leg
• Leg rot
• Extreme leg rot
• Heart failure, which occurs when you (STUPIDLY) fail to call 9-11 when you develop a symptom called a pulmonary embolism. This is a minor condition when the clot breaks free and travels to your lungs. 

The death rate for DVT is 100%. Upon dying, most DVT sufferers go straight to hell.

What causes DVT?

1. DVT is often caused by Sickos.

2. Vaccines. The same vaccines that cause autism also cause DVT. Make sure you consult your spiritual healer before giving your child any vaccine, ever.

3. However, most of the time DVT is caused by extreme laziness. If you're sitting around all day on your fat ass and not exercising, you will probably get DVT and die. The End.

4. DVT is also caused by inferior genes. In other words: it's your parents' fault. Use this fact to extract money from them to pay for your hospital bill!

Treatment:

DVT is treated by painkillers, which are acquired from a trusting and/or stupid doctor . Do not abuse narcotic painkillers. This will cause addiction, self-loathing, and worst of all, constipation.

It is also treated with blood thinners like Lovenox and Coumadin. Lovenox is injected directly into your stomach using a 6 inch serrated needle. It doesn't really do anything, but poking yourself twice a day builds tolerance for your growing leg pain, which you will live with for the rest of your life, like Dr. House. Coumadin is taken in pill form. This miracle drug was originally used as rat poison (seriously). Coumadin thins your blood in order to help the clot break down. It causes you to bleed inexplicably from various orifices in a way that was not covered in "What's Happening to My Body?".
What are some common myths about DVT?
Myth #1: Blood thinners are serious drugs

This is untrue. Blood thinners are fun! Nose bleeds during important client meetings are a great icebreaker.

Myth #2: DVT is caused by planes.

This is also untrue. DVT is not caused by planes. It is caused by sitting completely still on planes for hours and hours. If you are at risk for DVT, chasing a Xanax with 4 vodka tonics might not be the best plan. See that seatbelt sign? Ignore it. Move around on the plane as much as possible. If you need to stretch your legs and have sex with the stewardess, by all means, do so. I also find that doing a loud prayer in a made up language in the isle during takeoff really gets my blood flowing.

I'll cover more DVT myths in the future.

Why are you blogging about DVT?

I have DVT, and it hurts. I need an outlet to whine. My symptoms include several red lines on my leg, pain, and constant neediness. I also have a cankle.

If I should die of a pulmonary embolism, this blog will also serve as my living will. I want everything given to my brother, and I want my cremated ashes to tossed from a cliff into the bosom of the Atlantic Ocean on a day with a strong easterly breeze.